The Trouble with Chuck Norris
by hourglassthorne
Summary: A strange presence has infected the conversation of people around the world. All the night elf Kiralyn wants is a little peace of mind away from the annoying mentionings of Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, peace of mind is not what Elune has in mind for her
1. Chapter 1: Fishing

Kiralyn was annoyed. It had all started the first time she went to Ironforge. She had been checking her mail in front of the bank, just minding her own business, when a curious name rose above the din of the Auction House, random passers-by, and occassional duelists going at it on the bridge.

_Chuck Norris._

The night elf huntress was certain that the name had to belong to a human. Only humans had such strange family names that seemed to mean absolutely nothing. He also sounded either like an overpowered warrior, a skilled rogue, or an utter buffoon depending on the conversation she overheard.

Kiralyn thought nothing of it, at first. However, then the name kept cropping up again and again in places where large groups of people would congregate. Stormwind... Menethil... Booty Bay...

Even her beloved homeland was not immune to the infection that was _Chuck Norris._ She nearly choked on her melon juice while visiting Darnassus when she heard a pair of passing Priestesses talking about him. To hear that name falling from the lips of women who dedicated their lives to prayers and praise to Elune...

It was then that the huntress decided it was time to take one of her pets out of the stables and head back out into the wild. However, even then she could not escape the mention of that man. Wherever there were people, there was mention of him.

She overheard goblin traders speak of him in Desolace while getting her armor repaired...

And she heard of him again from a member of her own party while being ambushed by ravenous crabs in Blackfathom Depths...

The final straw on the kodo's back had to have been in Warsong Gulch. It may have been just her mind playing tricks on her _(her father always warned her that repeatedly spending too much time as a wisp in that place would turn her mind into scrambled eggs)_, but she SWORE that the orc shaman dancing over her lifeless corpse had cheered something about _Chuck Norris_ amid his coarse and grating native tongue.

After she was finally returned to life and left that accursed gulch, Kiralyn decided that she needed some time to herself to recollect her thoughts.

So she went fishing.

Her fishing pole in hand, and her lion by her side _(as if Pride would ever let his master leave him in the stables where fresh fish was concerned)_, the huntress set out for the most remote fishing spot she knew of that she could safely reach on her own, namely a small pool of water in a small crater in the middle of the Shimmering Flats on the east side of Thousand Needles.

Everything was going great. She picked up a generous number of mithril head trout, and was entertaining one last cast before using her hearthstone to take her home to Darnassus when she felt a strong tug. Kiralyn was surprised and delighted to find a large chest snagged to the end of her line.

Surprise and delight shortly turned to horror and dismay when the night elf worked the rusty lock open, reached into the chest, and pulled out _(by a fistful of hair)_ a muscular human with reddish brown hair, a scruffy beard, and a strange accent, even for humans.

"Hello there. I'm Chuck Norris. Thanks so much for letting me out of that trunk. I was starting to run out of air there..."


	2. Chapter 2: Auction House

When Kiralyn returned to civilization, she was quite an unhappy night elf as she lugged the heavy chest through the paths of Darnassus. The thing left deep grooves in the cobblestones and the others she passed by on her way to the auction house stared at her in confusion.

Normally seeing people lugging large chests around wasn't an unusual thing. They did so all the time looking to hire people to unlock them. No, what was unusual was the fact that every so often there would be a strange knocking coming from within it, along with what sounded like muffled speech. Adding to the curiosity was the fact that Kiralyn would immediately drop the chest, kick it savagely, and practically growl a number of obsenities at it until the thing inside was silenced. The people around her gave the huntress a wide berth as she continued towards the auction house.

A part of Kiralyn told her she ought to trash it. It would be so simple. She could've just left it in the fishing pond, dumped it alongside the road, or perhaps accidently drop it off the pier into the ocean. But she couldn't do that. The practical part of her didn't want to leave this chest for just anyone to find. This was _THE Chuck Norris_. If this guy was so popular as to infect the entire world and the talk of every major city, then there was a huge potential profit to be made off of him.

It ought to be mentioned here that the practical part of Kiralyn also doubled as her financial advisor.

So the young night elf made her way into the Auction House, and for a moment all seemed well in Darnassus.

Then the moment passed and the following scream that filled the air sent nearby dear and squirrels _(as well as a number of other patrons of the auction house)_ running.

**"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S SOULBOUND TO ME!"**

Though startled by Kiralyn's sudden outburst, the auctioneer rubbed some of the grime off the side of the chest, near the bottom, and showed three little words in very small print that sent a sick feeling settling into the pit of her stomach.

_Bind on Pickup._


	3. Chapter 3: Sell Value

_**Author's Note: ** Thanks to everyone who's commented on this story. Chuck Norris is still being mentioned on the general channels of Shadow Council, and has even gotten so far as to infect both the local and world defense channels during times of both peace and war. So long as there are people who wish they could have open PVP against everyone who mentions ol' C.N. in random conversation, so shall there be people who will enjoy reading this story I'm crafting._

_hourglassthorne _

* * *

"Y'know, you could just let me out of here so I can walk around on my own two feet," Chuck's muffled voice said after Kiralyn sent the heavy locked chest tumbling down the ramp from the Auction House with a hard, swift kick.

"Sure I could," the huntress agreed with an eerily cheerful tone to her voice. "And I could also dump you into the ocean and let you be swallowed up by any manner of large sea monter that happens to be swimming by. Which do you think is more appealing to me right now? Letting you walk around free as a bird for everyone to see, or watching as you get a first-hand tour of a thresher's digestive system?"

The voice from the trunk decided, wisely, that silence was the best respose to the question.

Fortunately for Chuck, Kiralyn's practical side was still looking for a way to profit off of this little unfortunate discovery of hers. She was going to train to get her riding nightsaber soon, and she would need every piece of silver she could save for the gorgeous midnight-colored mount she'd been eyeing ever since she first visited Darnassus.

She turned to look towards the general goods shop just across the way from the Auction House. Well, though it really disappointed her that she couldn't auction the contents of her chest, as she knew she could make a fortune off of it, even getting a handful of silver from Ellandrieth the vendor there was better than nothing at all. Maybe she'd even be lucky and get a whole gold piece of two from the shopkeeper?

A few minutes later, for the second time that day, poor old Chuck found his chest tumbling down the ramp of another Darnassian shop, a completely frustrated Night Elf relishing every pained yelp and groan that came out of the locked box on its way down.

"No sell value? NO SELL VALUE! I really shouldn't be surprised that you have no value whatsoever, but DAMNIT!"


End file.
